


a dumpster fire: RWBY self-insert edition

by AppliedPhlebotinum



Category: RWBY
Genre: Bad Writing, Gen, STOP READING THIS PILE OF TRASH, edgy but not really but still sorta but not male self-insert but not really oc, i have no idea how to breathe, its time to STOP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-12 09:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17464811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppliedPhlebotinum/pseuds/AppliedPhlebotinum
Summary: Nathan Edric gets dropped into Remnant, the land where everything is badass (except for him) with godlike powers that only extend to creating... meh food and understanding the mechanics of gravitationally operated double grappling hooks, and then decides to stop everyone from dying because of (probably) altruism and self-redemption after lazing on a couch for most of his life. He's got a long way to go, though, what with being a mid-class surveying tech student, you know, in RWBY.tldr: another darn isekai/self-insert fic featuring a useless, stupid MC (me) and badly written everything that does not deserve your attention and literally has 4 chapters (don't read the fourth one it's bad)





	1. the first one (hello, mister mental journal)

Hello, Mister Mental Journal. I’m Nathan, a guy who talks to himself a lot. Instead, I will now unload my self-talk onto you because I feel like it.

 

I’ve now realized I’m in Remnant. Why? There’s a leopard-girl standing in the corner over there. Also, an Atlesian dreadnought is somewhere to the west. You may ask: “Well, Nathan, why the heck are you in a fictional world?”

 

Fuck if I know. I just woke up on a very specific bench in front of a very specific and plot-relevant dust store a month before Roman Torchwick shows up here.

 

I can’t believe I just said that. Well, anyway, I’m in RWBY. Whoop-de-do. Time to go kick Adam Taurus’ ass or something. And also kick Cinder Fall’s ass. And also- well, kick a lot of asses. You get my point, Mental Journal. It’s been two days since I woke up, and to be honest, I don’t really have a plan. Get into Beacon with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever? Take a ship to Patch? Cry? Draw shrug kaomojis?

 

Well, if anyone somehow finds this mental journal when I inevitably die, here’s an introduction. Nathan Edric, habitual self-talker, straight B student, Surveying Technology major, drunkard. If you’re trying to visualize me, I’m Qrow but younger, with vibrant cyan eyes and more brownish hair. I can't turn into a crow, I think. Still drunk, though, and 99.82% less badass with a rounder face. Also slightly overweight. No, seriously, I literally cannot perform a push-up to school standards. I think the only qualification I have for candidate-to-be-dropped-into-evil-filled-anime-death-universe is that I have a +5 Intelligence score and a +4 Wisdom score. Oh, and somehow I have a +12 to Perception. I’m also an alright hacker, but  **THE UNIVERSE DIDN’T SEE FIT TO DROP ME HERE WITH A SCROLL, DID IT, HUH?! WELL GUESS WHAT, [these words have been blocked for vague and ambiguous reasons] YOU, UNIVERSE! AND [these words have also been blocked]YOU, GRANDMA, FOR NOT GETTING ME A 650P INSTEAD OF A-** wait what am I saying? The 640P was a great tablet. 

 

Well, it was nice talking to you, mental journal. At the least, I’ve discovered that I can make food and water appear out of thin air if I do a very comical meditating pose and go "Ooooooom..."- the problem is that I can only create slightly smushed grilled cheese sandwiches and flavored sweetened water. Ren would not be proud.

 

Nathan Edric, signing off. Oh, god darnit, I just stubbed my toe on a lamp. I fucking hate you, universe. I have a feeling I'll be saying that a lot over the course of this weirdness.


	2. the second one (our boi becomes Rico Rodriguez)

Hello, Mister Mental Journal. Your favorite degenerate drunkard college student is back! 

 

I’ve realized that I should probably try and get into Beacon, what with most of the plot happening in that mess of a Huntsman academy. As such, I’ve signed up for the Beacon entrance test- a problem is that I don’t remember it actually being given screentime in the show, so I actually have to study for a test. Oh, and, you know, figure out how to look like I know what I'm doing in the meantime.

Darn.

Anyway, I’ve expanded my super amazing Mary Sue food creation powers to Pumpkin Pete’s Marshmallow Flakes, on which I can now gaze at a redheaded woman with emerald eyes and an unmistakable circlet.

 

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

 

Right, that reminds me, I’ve got a plan to… who am I kidding, no I don’t. How the fuck am I supposed to do anything? I’m a mediocre college student who just got flung into a world with monsters that are practically  _ made of death _ and purses that transform into miniguns and magical phlebotinum powder and Maidens and Hunters and Huntresses… and, stuff. I’m surprised I haven’t utterly gone the way of literally every character in  _ Immortal  _ at this point-

 

Oh. Huh. Apparently the universe has deemed it right to give me a fucking break and told me to wish a weapon into existence- of course it also has to be a gun, because nothing in RWBY isn’t a gun.

 

Hmm… I’ve always wanted to make that dual grappling hook from my freshman year doodling sketches. I mean, was I the only person who saw the potential of Maria’s gravity dust weapons?!

 

“Oh, fair and gracious universe, please delve into my freshman self’s mind and present to me that really cool thing I drew in my math notebook!”

 

Poof. Actually, it sounded more like a clank, but I’m going to pretend it was a poof. Basically, they’re dual grappling hooks that you wear on your wrists like  _ Ember Celica _ \- instead of using wires, though, they use gravity dust to repulse and attract small hooks that attach to the ends of the gauntlets, so you can repulse and fire off a hook into something, and then attract yourself into it, or attract said thing into you. You can also be Rico Rodriguez if you want (I admit his tethers were a great inspiration) and switch the gravity dust in the gauntlets to a seperate field, keeping on the smaller but still significant amount of gravity dust in the hooks so you can pull the two hooks apart or push them together. Please applaud my tactical genius.

 

What should I name it?

_ Tenebrae _ . No, I’m not edgy, just… well versed in Latin! Fine, okay, I'm a hopeless edge lord who named every one of my conquered provinces in Europa Universalis IV after IAU-recognized constellations and bright stars! Happy?! Huh, I wonder how the Imperial Hellenic State is doing right now.

 

I just realized, the night is flipping cold. I wouldn’t know, since I don’t go outside. Who needs such trivialities as oxygen or sunlight? Pfah, not me. I only need Ensure-brand protein shakes.

Oh, well, mental journal, a vanilla jacket has materialized in front of me. That’s... very convenient.

 

Nathan Edric, signing off. Ow-really!? Huuuuuuuuuuuuugh- I stubbed my toe. Again. On the same lamp. Hleghergborgh.

Oh, wait I almost forgot, the hooks on the grapplers are optimized for both grappling and stabbing, and there’s SMGs embedded into each gauntlet. What, did you really think RWBY was really going to let me get away with my weapon not also being a gun?


	3. the third one (literally filler)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramblings.

Hello, Mister Mental Journal. Here’s my third entry in the massive clusterfuck that is Remnant.

 

Remember how I said I was going to try and get into Beacon? Well, I didn’t consider the fact that I’m 20 and drunk. Thankfully, I look like I’m 17, just drunk and with chronic sleep deprivation, so I’ll just have to lie on a form. Yay. Seriously, the universe threw an obstacle at me and then immediately handed me a solution to it. Fuck you, universe.

 

I’ve expanded my food-materializing repertoire to cookies. That might sound amazing considering who the main character of this series is, but more universal bullshittery happened and I can only make  _ oatmeal raisin cookies _ . Fuck you, universe. Again. I’m flipping you off right now.

 

I’m still sleeping on this bench with my surprisingly warm jacket and stale grilled cheese- I’m also pretty sure I saw Torchwick walk by once, not noticing the homeless guy on the bench behind him. Seriously, who puts a gun in a cane? Why not use something with an actual handle and grip? Why a CANE? Then again, this series is also the one that puts a sniper rifle in a scythe, and scythes on machine pistols, and I have hand submachine guns that according to the principles of physics should not function.

 

The universe gave me a scroll today, so I can finally go on the not-internet. Unfortunately, the universe did not answer my calls to have basic combat training implanted into my memories, so I’m probably not getting into Beacon at this rate. Also, I overslept one day and suddenly I had an activated aura. Why? I dunno? Maybe the universe just decided I’m in a self-insert fanfiction. Oh wait, I am. Goodie. Author, can you please let me out? Please?

Ah, who am I kidding, I always wanted to be in a RWBY self-insert fanfiction. Who doesn’t? Sane people. I’m not sane. As such, this is an awesome dream that still really hurts, because it seems that by even more universal bullshittery I am forever destined to stub my left big toe on this lamp at least once a day.

 

At this point I want to just go up to Ozpin and shout “HEY! I’M NATHAN! YOU AND SALEM HAD KIDS AND YOU REINCARNATE BECAUSE OF THE GOD OF LIGHT! ALSO, LIONHEART’S STUPID!” Ozpin would probably immediately imprison me for that, though. Probably not a good idea, because unlike every other overpowered self-insert ever, I did not get conveniently teleported into Ozpin’s office.

I wonder how Oscar’s doing right now. Probably not thinking he’s going to share his body with a timeless reincarnating wizard soon.

 

Nathan Edric, signing off. Hey, wait, that’s my grilled cheese! Get back here you stupid pigeon! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I ONCE PLAYED CALL OF DUTY FOR 19 HOURS STRAIGHT SNIPING PIGEONS OUT OF THE AIR!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please forgive me for my horrible writing and possible future OOC-ness when the actually RWBY characters come along
> 
> yeet


	4. the fourth one (edge)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan talks about stuff for a bit.

You may ask “Hey, Nathan, why aren’t you freaking out? You’re never going to see anyone you know from Earth again.”

 

I guess I’ll answer that now and get the exposition out of the way. I’m not really fond of the shit hole that is Earth. No, no tragic back stories involving orphans, eyepatches and angsty rants. Nope, just a fairly normal life going to college for a surveying degree. Still, I’m indifferent towards everything on that planet; as for why, I can’t really give a solid reason. Might be a remnant (I’m not even sure if that counts as a pun) of my hyper-edgy stage around 8th grade. There might be a kinda good reason though; on Earth, I couldn’t possibly amount to anything. I’m a lazy, constantly angry couch potato who doesn’t care about anything anymore and barely keeps up B minuses in his classes. I was never going to contribute to society, or help someone, or make the planet better. I’ve accepted that at this point. On Earth, I would’ve probably evolved into a basement leech who reminisces about better days. On Remnant, I have knowledge; one day, Earth up and left, and I held all the cards in Remnant. Here, I can save someone. Help someone, or maybe even better the world; finally, for once in my life, the things I do here could actually have an effect on this place. 

On Earth, I was nothing. Insignificant, a loner who escaped into fantasies of brighter worlds that couldn’t possibly come true, or I thought.

Here? I hold the advantage, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste it, I can save Ruby and Weiss and Blake and Yang and I can save Pyrrha and save Beacon- god, it’s so weird to think of them as people. I might have to get over my White Rose addiction soon if I’m going to be a normal person around Ruby and Weiss. As normal as can be, anyway, knowing that I’ve seen them die.

 

Morbid.

 

Anyway, back there I had nowhere to go. No real friends or confidants, either. No one I truly cared about.

 

Here, in RWBY? A world adorned with faces I once poured my life into, and to be honest, still do? With the memories that could save them all? Hell yeah I’m not going back.

 

*grumblegrumblegrumble*

 

But first, oatmeal raisin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is my fourth chapter of RWBY fanfic and I'll have to introduce the actual RWBY characters soon, so pray for my sanity when I try to properly characterize them and not just have Blake as Steve Totallyhuman from LOSR, Ruby as an innocent adorable puppy, Overly-Tsundere!Weiss and Yang as... Yang.
> 
> Also, I'm literally projecting my life story onto Nathan at this point.  
> If you want to, tell me what I'm doing wrong because I am inevitably doing something wrong, please.  
> Phlebotinum out! WHITE ROSE FOREVER!  
> (just kidding if Ruby remains Crescent-sexual I'm fine with it but still WR best ship)  
> (All the other ships are pretty cool too and I'm fine with any of them EXCEPT FALLING PETALS AND ENABLER OH GOD WHY FANDOM)


End file.
